what I didn’t give up

The other day a friend asked me what I gave up for Lent.  My answer?

Nothing.

I had actually been pondering this for the previous couple days before he asked me.  I thought about giving up coffee, but I wussed out on that (ironically, though, I’ve been drinking less).  I thought of others things I could give up…but nothing really worth it. 

But leading up to this point I had been getting more and more stoked about spring.  The final bits of snow had finally melted in our yard and I was able to spend a couple days pruning some shrubs and just hanging around the yard.  Despite all the wind and still cold air, I could see that some of the trees were starting to bud.  I was ecstatic.  I was tired of snow and sleet and cold and staying inside all of the time.  I wanted spring.  I wanted life and green and newness and the music that pours forth as flowers open up to the sun.  I was more excited for a changing of season than I ever have been in my life. 

So then I woke up on the first day of Lent…and it was DUMPING snow outside.  And it didn’t stop all day.  And the next day it snowed some more.  And my soul sunk.

I was actually caught off guard at how this affected me.  I had been anticipating this for so long, and it seemed so there and so tangible and I had actually tasted just a bit of life…and then this cold blanket of nothing smothered it from my sight and senses.  And that day I realized that I didn’t need to give anything up for Lent, because what I truly yearned for was out of my reach.  The snow would be my bit of personal darkness for the next 40 days.  In the wilderness.  In bondage.  In expectation of life and redemption and exodus and renewal.

This season, my Lent is everywhere.  It’s in the driveway.  It’s on my steps.  It’s on my windshield.  It’s tracked in on my shoes.  But eventually it will recede.  Eventually it will give way to an event that is inescapable…and so will I.  As the tips of bulbs break free from their dark sleep, so will my soul unfurl and instinctively turn its face toward that light which is truly Light.

So no, I technically didn’t give anything up for Lent, because this year, my longing comes from something that I received.